Celebrating International Women’s Day | Midnight Musings
“Where do you stand on wedding traditions for brides?”
I’m not the average stereotype of a woman, and I love it. I’ve been a punk for as long as I can remember, though sometimes not intentionally, and I’ve been lucky that I’ve had the support of my family to explore what I like best in fashion, culture, and religion. So when I say I’m a punk, that’s more because I found what I liked and it turned out to be not the most popular option. There’s a reason it’s called Alternative Fashion I suppose! There are so many women in my life I’ve looked up to — some family and some not — and listening to their wedding experiences was heartwarming, but sometimes a little jarring.
My Grandma used to have a rule that if you lived with your partner, or you wanted to sleep in the same bed, you had to be married, otherwise you’d be without “benefit of clergy.” Her views have changed now; in fact, my partner and I were the first people to sleep in the same bed under her roof unmarried! I didn’t like the rule as soon as I heard it but by that point, Grandma had changed her views. I heard a number of other traditions that I liked when I was young, but as I grew older I began to dislike them. Traditions such as the groom asking your father’s permission to marry you, the father giving away the bride, or even showing off your engagement ring. I never liked showing people my ring just on the basis that I was supposed to do so by the status quo; it felt embarrassing and uncomfortable. I got a bit fed up with it so I ended up showing them it with my hand in a fist to people I knew. Don’t worry, they all laughed — like I said, I’m lucky to have an encouraging environment.
So after thinking about how I disliked all these traditions, I got to thinking about any traditions I could keep and alter to suit my needs. In keeping with International Women’s Day, here are my personal tips to help you out if you’re trying to find ways of fitting in with the expectations around you. Full disclaimer — if you’re already in love with traditional ways in weddings, that’s totally fine! Your feelings are valid and you should go do whatever makes you happiest!
My first tip: you don’t need to try to fit in. You already do! Be proud of who you are and what you’ve become. If you’re in love with wedding traditions but don’t feel comfortable with certain things, you can incorporate them into your big day in different ways. Having a mixed-gender wedding party for example (Something we mentioned in our 2020 wedding predictions!) and have a best woman rather than a best man, or a man of honour for the bride. Only 25% of marriages are religious in England and Wales (2018 statistic) which leaves more room for different traditions to be made. Back in 2016, YouGov did a poll about different wedding traditions; who should speak, and what traditions should be dropped/preserved. 75% of people voted to preserve the tradition of the best man’s speech; in addition, when asked who should speak at a wedding, the top three results were Best Man, Groom, and Father of the Bride. Now personally, that has me torn — I’m an anxious person and I don’t like speaking in front of crowds, but I don’t like the idea that I don’t have the freedom to speak, or that the men at my wedding have more right to speak than I do just because of tradition. Surely in an ideal world, no one would mind who spoke at the wedding? I’ve heard about a trend where the newly wedded couple would speak together at their wedding breakfast/dinner and I quite liked it to be honest. In an article from BBC Three, the author talks about how a couple wrote and spoke their speech together as a tribute to their Mums, who they’d lost in recent years: “We didn’t tell everyone what we were going to do,” Angela says. “We wanted to pay tribute to both our mums, and the only way to do that was to speak together, in turn. We wrote it two nights before, talking through what we wanted to say. We still had the father of the bride and best man speeches. Looking up and seeing friends smiling felt really good, and there were also plenty of tears. Your whole day is about putting your own stamp on it, so the speech was part of that. I don’t understand why people think it’s such an unusual thing for a woman to do.”
I think this quote shows that we need to contemplate our perspectives. Women deserve to have the same traditions as men, it’s not just a day for them to look pretty! Though I can’t deny looking pretty is a bonus, why can’t we look pretty and also have speeches? It’s not just these statistics that make me uncomfortable; 61% of people wanted to preserve the tradition of the bride and groom not seeing each other the night before and I don’t know about you, but I rather like the idea of waking up next to my partner on our wedding day and getting excited about it together! 69% of people want to preserve the tradition of the father of the bride giving her away, and that’s around the top of my list of things I don’t want. I belong to me, and while I understand the sentiment of a daughter growing up and being let go to grow with her partner, I don’t have to like it. I don’t give myself away, I bond with someone. I am not an object. I’m still a little unsure on my surname; 52% of people wanted to preserve the tradition of the bride taking the groom’s surname. I like the idea of having my partner’s surname, but I also enjoy my own surname, and both surnames together can sound too long for me. It’s something to work on, but on my own. Only you can make these choices for yourself. If your partner wants you to take their surname, it’s an important discussion to have. After all, you’re likely to have that surname for a very long time.
On the prospect of bridal traditions, I’m not sure where I stand. I think I just want the independence to make my own decisions rather than go forward with what other people think I should do.
How about you? Where do you stand on wedding traditions for brides? Let us know about your opinions and give us a comment/tweet on our social media!
Guest written by Erin (erin@uplanit.co.uk).
See you next week.
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